Let's ignore the fact that I have not written anything for three months, pretend that I’ve been consistent throughout 2023 and dive into the topic at hand: fear.
Fear has always intrigued me. We’re only born with two natural fears: the fear of falling and loud noises. This means that the fear of anything else, such as the dark, spiders, or clowns, is learned. It’s why children can bravely jump from high places or touch fire without considering the consequences of their actions. It’s us adults that’ll shout, "don't jump off that slide!" because we’ve experienced more and know the potential dangers. Although fear can be useful in detecting dangerous situations and used in a positive way, it often controls the way we behave in moments we should be taking a leap in the direction of trust. I’ve always admired children's fearless actions, despite the possibility of injury. The initial ability to take a leap, both physically and metaphorically, is amazing.
Recently, fear has been at the forefront of my mind due to situations in my life. I’ll share one experience. My former partner was unfaithful during our one-year relationship. Sidenote: I now know that being cheated on is a traumatic experience, although society often trivializes it. It shakes the foundation of your reality, making it difficult to distinguish what is real and what is not. You don’t know whom to trust, whom to invest your time in, or who will turn out to be someone completely different and stab you in the back. Even after you have moved on, new people can trigger similar fears and your mind might begin to slip down a slide that you have to intentionally control. It’s truly a battle to regain trust in humanity.
There was an internal conflict of whether to take him up on his offer to try again or venture out in to the world of the unknown. At this point, both sides presented me with something to fear, in going back it could cause more pain if this were to happen again, in not going back I could face not actually finding any one or having that person do the same thing as this person. What do you do when all sides show something to be scared of? Turn to logic and the Lord.
As a practical person, I like to see things clearly when trying to work through issues so I made a list of all the reasons to try again and compared them to a list of reasons to not try again. There were only two reasons to dive back in and twelve reasons to leave it alone. During a solo trip to Spain, while fasting and praying about this issue, I received a message from God that this relationship was not meant for me. People often wonder how to know the voice of God, and for me, it is a deep voice from within that I know is not coming from myself. I hear it in my soul, and this voice told me to leave this alone. Despite the clear signs, I still found myself flirting with the idea of going back. It wasn’t until someone broke it down for me that I realized how much fear was controlling my life. The fear of not finding someone else, the fear of dating again, the fear of rejection, the fear of being alone. Barely any of the reasons to go back were based on love for him or us but almost entirely based on being scared of something.
The Bible tells us that until we become like children, we will never enter the kingdom of heaven (Matthew 18:1-3).
The moment this was revealed to me, I knew it was time to let go. It took me around eight months to finally let go of my former partner, (the number of new beginnings which I find quite poetic) and I’m not proud to say that I went back and forth on whether or not to try again with him, but the idea of being controlled by fear genuinely made me angry with myself. One may argue that I allowed fear to take over in not going back but in that instance we have to look at which path shows a love of self and who we’re trusting in. If you love YOU do you put your trust and heart in the hands of someone who was so reckless with it or do you trust in a God who says He has better?
How could I allow this entirely man-made fear control such a significant moment in my life? Who put this fear there? Why does society make women feel scared to be alone or less worthy if we are unmarried and/or without children? This was the first time I consciously chose to operate out of love for myself and life over fear, and it was one of the best decisions I ever made.
Since not going back I’ve met some wonderful men who have reminded me what safety feels like and made me question why I ever, even for a moment, thought of going back to something that was so unhealthy. I’ve been on some amazing dates, and in the process have been reminded that there’s a whole world of people out there who aren’t going to treat you like you’re disposable. There really are plenty of fish in the sea.
What I remembered too is that being alone is very okay and preferred in most cases. After you get out of a relationship it can take a while to adjust to not speaking to someone everyday about your life, not having someone to go on fun dates with and not having a support system but all of those things can be found elsewhere. When you’ve built a life full of fulfilment the transition isn’t as scary as you initially think it will be.
The Bible tells us that until we become like children, we will never enter the kingdom of heaven (Matthew 18:1-3). This has always fascinated me and kept me on a path of trusting God. If you look at the characteristics of a child, maybe not the tantrums and taking of our food, but more the wonderful qualities that we tend to lose as we grow older, such as their fearless nature, curiosity, and ability to have fun in the moment. It can be challenging to maintain these qualities when we have so many things to think about, we’ve got bills to pay and bones that crack the more advanced we get in our years, who has time to get ‘lost in a moment’, I get it but it’s important for us to hold on to these, it’s a mandate from The Most High.
Moreover, if you think about it, children have an unwavering faith in their parents, and believe everything they say. If mum says you’re getting a bike for Christmas then you absolutely believe you’re getting a bike for Christmas. We can apply this same childlike faith to our relationship with God. If He says everything will be okay, we must trust that it will be. Although it may be difficult, practicing these qualities can improve our quality of life. Even if we have to walk through the valley of the shadow of death, we will not fear (Psalm 23:4).
Admittedly, it is easier said than done. If you are struggling with a situation and unsure which path to take, consider the driving factors behind each decision. If fear is present, challenge yourself to disqualify that action from the running. It takes a significant amount of willpower, but trusting in God can help us overcome our fear. Trust that He will catch us, keep us, and never abandon us. Trust the child in you. Trust that making a decision out of love will lead to peace. Be more childlike in more ways than one, just don’t jump off a slide.
Cass
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Hi, thanks for reading! My names Cassandra Maria, I’m a comedy writer and creator from Birmingham. Day to day I present on three different shows across Premier Gospel and Premier Christian Radio and oversee Premier Gospel’s social media platforms. In 2021 I did a TEDXBrum talk on why it’s important to laugh in even the worst of times entitled ‘How Laughter Helps Horror’ and have a skincare page dedicated to bringing a little light to people fighting chronic skin conditions.
This was very relatable and I understand where you were coming from. Somethings take time and you did what you had to do for yourself. Loving yourself should be priority #1 , anyone that you allow in to your life should Add not subtract. You should feel safe & comfortable. But this experience has helped you see what your limits are and to recognize immediately what's not meant for you
This was powerful! So relatable 👌