Ahhh the ‘good guy’. The one who’ll love God, treat you right, show you off, be loyal, kind, funny and get along with your cat Coco. Seems like a mythical creature to some but I’m a firm believer that good people, and therefore good men, exist in 2022. If I didn’t believe that then why on earth would I still be in existence? Yes, I really said that and no I’m not sorry.
Do note that although I’m using the pronouns ‘he’ and ‘she’ in this they can be interchanged at any moment. I’m speaking from my experience as a heterosexual cis- woman. Look at me being all 2022! Also, life, relationships and people are complex and I don’t like lumping genders together and thinking everything is black and white, it’s not, people have different reasons for doing different things and grey areas exist, especially in relationships. Okay, disclaimers out the way lol
This may sound crazy but I’ve made it my duty to steer clear from one specific type of ‘good guy’. I’m not saying I like men who treat me poorly, far from it, I’m a sucker for a good man with good morals, good manners and just…goodness. Every mature, healthy and self assured woman LOVES a good man, never do we look at a ‘bad guy’ and think “yep, he seems like trash, I’ll date him!”
The one I stay away from is the one who has a chip on his shoulder as he’s a ‘good guy’ but women don’t like him. The one who feels entitled to attention or dates because he’s ‘good’ compared to these other men out there. The one who fiercely defends the concept ‘nice guys finish last’ and uses that as the sole reason he hasn’t been successful in love. The one who’s confused when women reject him and get happy at seeing those same women in relationships with men who turn out to be liars and cheats. He’ll sit there and think ‘well, she should’ve chose me, a good guy, she deserves poor treatment’. I steer clear from this ‘good guy’ because he’s not actually a good guy but a man acting like a good guy to get the girl.
Let’s get in to it. I remember once last year having a conversation with a man when I was getting back into dating after a years hiatus, he said something to me that made me think. Before this conversation I was never able to articulate my distrust of some ‘good guys’, but talking to this man helped. This is a conversation I’ve had many times in my life but the first time a man ever allowed his ‘good guy’ image to slip and I was able to successfully break down this concept to him, and myself. This is how it went:
Him: Dating is long, women only want bad boys so us nice guys always finish last.
Me: I mean, any grown, mature woman wouldn’t want a ‘bad’ boy or man. Maybe you need to change the women you’re chasing?
Him: No, this is all of you women. You’re confused, even though we act nice, good and kind and you don’t pay us any attention, you go for the guy who treats you like crap.
Me: but wait…why do you need to act nice, good and kind?
Him: because that’s what women want…?
Me: yes, we do want that but why is it an ‘act’ if you are nice, good and kind…?
Him: …
Me: maybe women can see through the ‘act’ and that’s why they don’t want you…
Him: so what, women want me to just be myself? You won’t like that, you want a ‘good guy’.
Me: No, women want authenticity. Why is you being yourself and you being a ‘good guy’ two completely different things? If you’re actually nice, good and kind at heart then you can just be yourself and it won’t be an act, will it?
Him: I guess so. I didn’t know women wanted us to be ourselves…
And scene. As I said, we never spoke again after that. Why does being good and being you mean two different things?!
This is the problem some people have, at the start of speaking to someone they act a certain way to win their affections and because that entitlement has them believing them must be given a chance because they’re ‘good’ but they can’t keep up said act for too long, hence why the relationship falls apart quickly or they don’t even get to do dinner with drinks and a cheeky Nandos. Of course, when you’re first dating someone you put your ‘best self’ forward, but your authentic self shouldn’t be the opposite to being a good person. If, at first, you act like you’re interested in everything the object of your affections has to say because you know women like when people listen to them that’s not you being you, is it? It’s you acting a particular way because you think that’s what you’re supposed to be like. If you want to be that person authentically then take time out to develop your listening skills. The same goes for kindness, positivity, empathy, caring qualities or any traits that make up that of a ‘good, nice’ person.
It’s time to reflect people. If you feel like you’re acting to win someone then I don’t believe you should be dating. I believe you should be looking at yourself and becoming a genuinely nice, good, kind person. The thing with this is that you won’t feel drained, bitter or have a chip on your shoulder when people don’t like you, you won’t complain how ‘no-one wants the good guy!’ because you’re not even putting yourself in that category, you’re not trying to check off the ‘good guy’ boxes or even being aware that you fall in to that group, you’re just being you.
Not once have I ever had a man not like me and say ‘how could he not?! I’m one of the good ones! He obviously doesn’t like good women - hope he finds a woman who poops in his bedsheets’ because A) that’d be strange, B) as a good person I’d hope he find someone he can love and be happy and C) I don’t put myself in any category. Not the ‘good girl’ (I’m a 3D human and sometimes I may not be ‘good’), not the ‘good Christian woman’ (for similar reasons, sometimes my flesh wins, sorry Jesus), not anything. I put myself in the category of Cass and will put that forward when dating so it remains consistent, honest and authentic. Doing this also means people will get to know you for you and won’t be surprised if one day you do something not so ‘good girly’, you’re not an idea but an actual person with complexities.
I think ultimately it’s a way to protect the ego, it’s a lot easier to blame people not liking you because you believe people don’t like ‘good guys’ or ‘nice guys finish last’ than to admit to yourself maybe they just didn’t like…you. It’s okay to not be liked by everybody, it’s okay to be rejected, there’s 8 billion people on earth and you’re not destined for loneliness just because Sally from Instagram doesn’t want your number.
There’s a show on Netflix starring Gillian Jacobs and Paul Rust entitled ‘Love’. It’s got an incredible way of depicting this pusedo ‘good guy’ in the form of the main character Gus. I won’t spoil the series for you, but he often gives himself up with little comments or micro-aggressions at women when they don’t like him or when not getting certain opportunities with his writing career, despite him being a ‘good guy’. The real him seeps out like custard leaking from a ripped carton - slowly, sweetly and very noticeably.
Do Some People Want ‘Bad Guys?’ Yes.
Now, I’d be a liar if I were to sit here and say some people aren’t attracted to genuinely nice guys and do find them boring, but there’s always reasons and solutions.
Some have deep seated issues as they’ve grown up in dysfunctional homes. ‘Danger’ is all they know and are attracted to. They don’t understand the stability or safety of ‘good’ and some subconsciously believe they even deserve to be treated incorrectly so they attract and entertain people who do that. These people aren’t to be mocked when they make bad choices and neither are you to say ‘well, she should’ve picked me, a good guy, she deserves that piece of trash’ when we discover her partner is beating or cheating on her, a genuinely good person would have empathy and not revel in her misfortune to stroke their own ego. These people need therapy and some help in knowing their worth.
Some haven’t got deep seated issues however, they’re fed in to the playground myth that ‘bad’ is ‘cool’ and want to be with someone who makes them feel ‘cool’ - similar to why people begin smoking or act out in class. Think of all the ‘cool’ people you grew up with and ask yourself why on earth were they ‘cool’? Was it because they were ‘bad’? Because they smoked? Because they got in to fights? If yes, then you understand the concept. A grown person wouldn’t feed in to such ideas, and if you’re talking to people like this then it’s your job to refocus on those with a more mature view on the human character.
And of course, there are some ‘good’ guys who are genuinely just very very dull to the people they’re trying to attract, sorry! It’s not your ‘goddess’ that they find boring, it’s you. If you’re in to clubbing on the weekends but want to be with someone who enjoys bird watching then no matter how ‘good’ you may be they might just find you uninteresting. That’s okay, they’re not the one for you, go and find your tribe and make yourself an interesting character to talk with, be passionate about tree bark or whatever your interests are! Take some responsibility for who you are and how you come across instead of hiding behind the notion that it’s your ‘goodness’ that’s turning people off’.
Reality check, being ‘good’ doesn’t mean you’re entitled to get the girl, the guy or the last box of Krispy Kreme doughnuts. There’s no law that says ‘all good people deserve everything they want and you MUST date those who are good or be beheaded!’. Of course it’s healthy to give good people a chance but we shouldn’t feel obliged to be with them if we don’t feel we can love them to our maximum capacity just because they’re good. If we don’t romantically connect with that particular good guy, settling for him just because he’s good will be harmful to both of you, he’ll never truly feel loved and you’ll never truly feel content.
One of my deepest connections came a few years ago with a man I was dating who knew he wasn’t a ‘good guy’ and didn’t pretend to be one. He didn’t open doors, pretend to listen or want to go on long walks where we spoke about life. He wasn’t kind to strangers or have empathy for those in need. He didn’t even treat me the greatest in the end and I definitely had issues to work through when it came to self worth but I was always drawn to his authenticity, he cared deeply for me and we were able to form a real connection because we were both being our honest selves. Despite the fact that the relationship failed I’ll always love how real the connection was at the time.
So yes, the reason I don’t like a particular kind of ‘good guy’ is because sometimes it’s an act. I want authenticity, realness, I want you - whatever box that comes in, that’s what I want to see, not the ‘good guy’ box you think I want to see, but your actual box and all of its imperfections, intricacies and peculiarities. If you want to make a risky joke, go for it! If you have a thought that he fake ‘good guy’ act can be sussed out pretty quickly. If you’re a genuinely nice, good and kind person these traits will be in your box anyways, no need to act as though they are.
As always, I hope you got something from this - don’t be the ‘good guy’, be a you guy and if you isn’t a nice, good and kind person then work on you until it is. FYI - men who bring me banana cake will always be good in my books, just saying.
Cass
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Hi, thanks for reading! My names Cassandra Maria, I’m a comedy writer and creator from Birmingham. Day to day I present on three different shows across Premier Gospel and Premier Christian Radio and oversee Premier Gospel’s social media platforms. In 2021 I did a TEDXBrum talk on why it’s important to laugh in even the worst of times entitled ‘How Laughter Helps Horror’ and have a skincare page dedicated to bringing a little light to people fighting chronic skin conditions.
This is 1 of the best blogs I've prolly read in a very long time. Being a man I use to fall prey to the good guy victimization, A lot of us do . As I read there was some push back and I wanted to interrupt the convo as if we were talking, but you clarified . I think it's a bit deeper and more complex. Most men were never raised up by society to " be themselves " we were raised to be an asset and to provide and be a Man you get the $ the job the car the woman etc etc... There shouldn't be a broad brush that is a indictment on either sex... no one is obligated to anyone no matter how good of a person they are. I have been on all sides of this debate and I can say the most happiest I have been in my life is when I'm being myself. I surrounded myself with people and date women who like me for me. I'm not tall , not super attractive or in shape im not rich ( not yet) I'm not popular or dangerous ... but I will say I know some the most beautiful women on this planet and some men & women can't understand how know them ... I tell them I'm just being myself no false intentions or motives ... and in being myself it doesn't lead to connections intimate or platonic.. but it filters out my tribe and who in able to connect with ...